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Is Attachment Insecurity Ruining your Relationships and Love Life?



You may not realise it yet, but your love life and relationships could use some knowledge from attachment theory. According to it, our feelings of security and stable attachment are largely affected by our early years of childhood. Namely, a child’s sense of security and intimacy with their primary caregiver shapes to no small extent how they behave in relationships as adults. 


Nowadays, attachment theory finds it great to use with many relationship coaches, who use it to pinpoint certain problems that people are experiencing in their love life. Since psychologists have refined the idea that childhood attachments are important in adult attachment styles in later life, it is only logical to utilise the concepts and empower people to have better romantic relationships. 


It all starts with understanding the basic terminology of what attachment styles there are: 

  • Secure – people with secure attachment don’t have a problem being close to someone and maintaining an intimate relationship 


  • Anxious-preoccupied – people with this style believe that other people do not want to be with them and are constantly afraid of losing their partner 


  • Dismissive-avoidant – people with this style do not like to depend on others for establishing an intimate relationship 


  • Fearful-avoidant – people with this style really want to be close to others, but they fear rejection and being hurt 


It is clear that all of these, save for the secure type, are characteristics of attachment insecurity. It is important to note that these are not extremes, but rather spectrums, and every single person rates on all of them. It is when these characteristics are strong enough to define their behaviour and belief about relationships that they become a problem. 


Is it possible to get over the attachment style you have?

According to experts, it is not only possible but preferable to work on establishing your attachment style and doing what it takes to switch it to the secure type. It is also important to understand the core of the problem and where it stems from. It could be depression or early childhood trauma. It is the job of a therapist and a coach to help a person through it. The good thing about attachment is that even though a person could have a style, it is completely possible to revisit it and change it to secure. Some ways to do just that include: 


  • Learning your attachment style – knowing your attachment style can give you so much insight as to why your relationships keep failing, despite your best effort, or why you end up attracting the wrong people. That is the first step to overcoming your attachment problems. 


  • Find a therapist/coach with expertise on attachment styles – change can be difficult for anyone, especially when they are only now learning about the real problem. That is why if you find yourself in this situation, you should look for an expert to help you through. 
  • Seek partners with similar attachment styles – getting undermined by a person who is not supportive is the last thing you want to do. It is a good idea to look for those secure individuals, who can, in time, help you overcome your own insecurities. 


  • Talk about it – hiding the issue is not going to help you in the long run, especially now that you can give it a name and a face. It is important to discuss such matters with your therapist and your partner as well. Getting the support you need can make a world of difference. 


Overall, changing your attachment style is a great way to improve the quality of your relationships and love life. You should not hesitate to invest in research and working with the right dating coach. 


© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach