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Six Strategies to Stop Yourself From Dating Emotionally Unavailable People




When you are investing heavily in a relationship with someone who does not reciprocate back, it can feel horrible. All of your affection and kindness are falling on deaf ears. And it can be even worse if it is a repeat pattern you go through repeatedly. 

The reality is that while it is not a good pattern to deal with, it is possible to overcome it. The issue comes from insecurity, a desire for validation (which rarely comes) and a general lack of self-esteem. If that feels like you, then read on for a few strategies to overcome this pattern: 

  • Identify the signs early on – if you have been in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person, you know just how draining it can be due to the other person. At first, it may feel like they are mysterious and deep, which can only increase that feeling of attraction towards them. But soon enough, it just turns out they are closed off and detached. It is important to work towards a solid relationship with someone who can show a range of emotions immediately. If you notice the signs of unavailability early on, it is best to move on and spare yourself the heartache. 

  • Be honest about why you fall for the same type – if you find yourself dating the same heartbreaker, again and again, you need to slow down and self-reflect. It is fine if you have had bad luck once, but if it repeats, it is a pattern that needs some help. Perhaps a little consultation with a therapist or a coach can greatly help. 

  • Don’t fall for false hope – often, people get hurt because of false hope. You should steer clear of people who text a lot but never initiate plans. That is when someone they are interested in texts a lot and initiates some form of connection, but without ever planning a date or seeing the other. This is a great way to develop false hopes that a relationship can happen. 

  • Insist on identifying your relationship after a certain period. If you are dating an emotionally unavailable person, you may feel like they are stringing you along for a long period. You should be alert if they are keen on dating you but don’t want to call it a relationship. It is understandable if they don’t want to use labels initially. But if they don’t call the relationship label after an extended period, maybe they are just not interested in making things official anytime soon, if ever. 

  • You should not feel like their saviour – while you may be eager to help someone, it should not be your job. You need to ask yourself what you are getting out of a relationship with someone who cannot commit. If you feel like you are there to rescue them, to show them that people are worth caring for, you are only wasting your efforts. Instead, you should be focused on dating someone who will appreciate your work. 

  • Work on your sense of self – if you have self-esteem issues, you should work on yourself and develop confidence. How you feel about yourself reflects the relationship you will be in and the dating life you will lead. When you are ready and confident to meet a partner who will commit, you will never settle for anyone else.

These strategies make you more prepared to face the challenge of falling for emotionally unavailable partners and avoid this reality altogether. 

© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach

Some of the Dos and Don'ts of Dating an Older Man



Many people think it is uncommon for women to date an older man, but it is not that rare. But there is a certain combination of being experienced and providing that sense of stability that women find very attractive in older men. 

If you are in a similar situation and unsure how to navigate such a relationship, you should learn the few essential dos and don'ts. Many external factors may influence your relationship or make it more challenging to progress. Here is the important list to follow. 

The Dos of Dating an Older Man

  • Discuss what dating means to both of you – when you start things up with someone older than you by some 10-15 years, you both need to have absolute clarity about what you want to achieve in this relationship. For example, if you are in your 20s, you may consider someone dating for the experience. But will you let it become more serious in the long run? You need to discuss it to be on the same page, honestly. 

  • Learn from him – if there is one thing older men bring to the table in the relationship that no one else can, it has to be experienced. Keep an open mind at all times and learn from him. 

  • Relish your youth – don't feel guilty about being young when you are dating someone older than you. Youth is a gift that you should not skip. So when he doesn't feel like hiking, you should not cancel plans. In other words, the difference in your age should not become one of its major drawbacks if you don't let it. 

  • Do you want to pursue deep emotional intimacy with an older man? You need to be able to answer this question as you progress in your relationship affirmatively. Fine-tune your feelings – as the relationship goes on, you should keep in touch with your feelings. 

The Don'ts of Dating an Older Man

  • Don't insist on what he does not want – if you are both in for something casual and you become invested at some point, you should not push him into something he is not ready to invest in. You should be honest with him about his feelings and consider major factors like emotional baggage from his past and more clarity on his age, which can impact his decision to be with you. 

  • Don't lose your character and individuality – wise nature is probably one of the qualities that attract a young woman to an older man. But while it feels nice having a partner who can advise you along the way, you have to be mindful of him taking over your life. Speak your mind and stand up for yourself when you feel strongly about something. 

  • Don't pester him for the company – it is essential to do things together that you both enjoy. However, you should pester him about the things that are only interesting to you but do not sit well with him or are too demanding. Perhaps he may not be as inclined to do a pub crawl till the morning, but maybe he is more than happy to make a road trip. 

  • Don't assume he is feeling a certain way – regardless of how your relationship has started, you should not assume how he is feeling. If you ever think there is some ambiguity, you should have a discussion. Keep all channels open and have frank conversations about important matters. 

© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach

Five Essential Rules of Dating that Everyone Should Remember

 

 

Dating can be intimidating, especially if you have been trying your best with a minimal positive outcome. This may have to do with many different reasons, from low self-confidence to fear and anxiety of just putting yourself out there and accepting vulnerability with some stranger. Whether you want to find a casual fling or a more long-term relationship, you will do well to consider some of the best advice from dating coaches and experts: 

  • You have to put yourself out there – meeting new people can be a bit stressful, but it is something you have to overcome. Otherwise, you will be unable to meet new people and potential date partners. The more you put yourself out there, the more likely you will meet a person you feel attracted to. If you are not a fan of dating apps, you can try to arrange something with your friends, who can introduce you to someone new. If you feel like scoping the scene at your favourite places bumps your chances of finding someone you share some interests with. For instance, if you are into yoga or dancing classes, you can find a person in that class and establish a connection with them. 

  • You need to keep an open mind – one of the most important rules of dating is to keep an open mind. Even if you are sure you have a certain type of partner that you would like to have, you should consider that such beliefs are probably keeping you from meeting someone new. And just because someone has a different interest or taste than you doesn’t mean you should write them off instantly. You are giving someone a chance can lead to a great story. 

  • Always stay safe – keeping an open mind doesn’t mean throwing safety in the bush. Your top priority should be to feel safe and comfortable around your date. You should not sacrifice any of that just to come off as polite. And if you want to feel comfortable, you can suggest a place for your date where you feel comfortable. 

  • Go at your own pace – whenever you are dating somebody new, you should move the relationship at a pace you are okay with. This means you should not abide by any unwritten rules of how often to see a person, how often to text them and when to commit. Search inside how you feel about spending time with them, and then work from there. If you enjoy their company and they enjoy yours, you can make arrangements to see each other more often and take it one step at a time. Don’t rush into a relationship because you felt an initial spark of attraction. Similarly, you should not feel pressured by the other person to move things forward if you are not feeling like it. This should be a giant red flag to watch out for. 

  • Forming meaningful connections requires patience – you should stop beating yourself down if you cannot find a good date or form a connection. This cannot happen overnight. So instead of rushing into the process, take a step back and see how you can work on yourself to better your chances. It is in your best interest to take things slowly anyway to build on a solid foundation. 

These dating tips improve your chances of finding a person for a relationship. Employ them in your dating life, and you will see they can make a big difference. 

© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach

 

What are Some Red Flags to Look out for on a First Date?

 

 

There is always a bit of a risk when it comes to first dates. Maybe the person is not at all what they appeared to be when you texted, or they can outright ghost you. But you need to take a chance, to advance to a more meaningful relationship.

However, you should never ignore certain red flags that the other person might be sending. It is one thing to be hopeful and give them the benefit of the doubt. But closing your eyes to the outright bad things about them is not ideal. Here is what you should be mindful of:

  • They are late and don’t tell you – one of the red flags is that you should be mindful of them being late to show up and they have not informed you. Normally, it is okay to be late, but if they don’t tell you about it, then they are not valuing your time. Now, that is hardly a reason to write them off completely. Maybe their phone died, or they have lost signal. But if they just don’t care, you should be careful.

  • They have a control problem – always be on the lookout for signs of a big ego and a controlling nature. Controlling tendencies could show up as early as the first date, when they jokingly order something from the menu for you, without even asking about your opinion. This could be a way of testing your boundaries.

  • They don’t stay present – if they are always on their phone, or they are always on the lookout to see who else is there, they aren’t present. If they don’t explain why they are on the phone or have their attention divided, you should consider it a red flag. They should devote attention to you and your persona, instead of anything else that can wait and is not urgent.

  • They are rude to waiters and staff – if your first impression of them is that they are rude to the staff of the restaurant you are in, think about what life with them would be like. If they are not respectful to the person doing their job, they may not be respectful of you as well. Remember that people always put their best foot forward, so if rudeness shows then, it is a huge red flag.

  • They are overly romantic – a little bit of romance can be a very nice addition to a first date. It can make you feel special. However, if they go overboard with it, then it is not a good sign. Showering you with affection, compliments and gifts could be nothing more than love-bombing, which aims to make you feel secure so that they can later start taking advantage of you.

  • They are way too eager to move the date fast – some people can try to overwhelm you on the first date. That is when you need to pay the most attention. Listen to your gut feeling on whether things are advancing normally or way too fast.

  • They talk about their ex a lot – it is okay to mention an ex-partner, but there is a limit to how much you can discuss the matter. If the person is obsessively bringing their ex, it could be an indication that they are not over them or that they have not overcome the past bitterness. It is especially worrying if they always blamed their ex. 

Paying more attention to such red flags is not only important but mandatory if you don’t want to have problems down the road.

 

© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach

 

6 Tips to Make a Relationship with an Age Gap Work

 

Many people don’t like the idea of dating a partner who is 10+ years younger/older than them. But sometimes attraction just happens and a relationship is built upon a large age gap. There are certainly ways to make it work, according to many relationship coaches. Let’s find out some of them: 

  • Accepting differences – everyone is different and unique – is what makes humans so fascinating. Being diverse and knowing that there is no one else out there like you are important. But it is also important to not get so caught up in differences because that can cause problems in relationships. This is especially the case in a relationship where partners have a big age gap. You should not be focused on changing anyone, but rather to bridge your differences and come closer together. 

  • Agree to disagree – perhaps one of the most important things partners with big age differences should learn is to agree to disagree. Because they are of different generations, their views on a lot of aspects of life will be different. It is important to not focus on those disagreements, but instead to move forward despite them. Partners should openly discuss their opinions and be more open-minded toward their views. There is no reason not to be able to negotiate and accept the differences with a level of appreciation of each other’s views. 

  • Crack up with a sense of humour – when you are in a relationship with a big age gap, you should always retain a certain sense of humour. Now and then someone you know will be asking whether the person you are with is your mom/dad. If you don’t assume a position of just brushing it off, you will question yourself. If you are in a good relationship and you know it, you should use it to strengthen your love even further. 

  • Assurance to one another is important – in a relationship with a big age gap, both partners can feel insecure sometimes. One partner can worry that the other will lean towards something more within their age group, and this goes both ways. Again, partners should focus on what brings them together and why they chose each other in the first place. Reassuring each other is what glues the relationship together. 

  • You will be at different places in life at times – with a big age difference and a long-term relationship, both of you will be at different places in your life. For example, when one is already thinking about retirement, the other’s career could just have taken off. This leads to different lifestyles and you both need to accept it. You have to be understanding toward one another, as these transitions happen. You need to be ready for them and communicate clearly where each of you stands on the matter. 

  • Embrace the advantages of the age gap – who is to say that there are only negatives to work around in a relationship with a big age gap? Having a mature partner means you will never have to wonder about whether he is ready to commit or just leading you on. Besides, having a person with more life experience by your side is always a big plus. He can help you out of a difficult spot in life, or just provide what people of younger age cannot. 

Couples with a big age gap can make things work nicely for them. They just need to remember to communicate with openness and embrace their differences, to allow their connection to thrive. 

© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach

4 Tell-tale Signs you are Texting Way Too Much

 

Text messages are without a doubt a fantastic tool to keep in touch with people you are dating. You can communicate with ease with the press of a button, get to know each other, and share interesting conversations. But there is such a thing as texting too much and it is something you have to be aware of. 

If you ever allow your texting to get out of hand, it has the potential to do you a lot of harm. For starters, it will change the way the other person thinks about you in a bad way. Instead of being interesting, they will view your texting as bothersome and can begin to shy away from this sort of contact. Following are a few of the red flags that you might be texting too much: 

  • There is an imbalance in your text conversations
    If you take an objective look at your conversations and notice that pretty much every message comes from you, that is a clear sign you are texting too much. Have a look at your portion of the text. If it is more than what the other side has to say, then maybe they are much less interested in such exchange. Maybe they are busy, maybe they are bored, or maybe they just cannot or do not want to keep up. Whatever the case may be, this is a clear sign that you are texting more than is warranted and that you should tone it down. The best conversations over text happen when both sides have an equal amount to share. 

  • You have come to expect constant access to other people
    If you are constantly on your phone and you can reply to their text messages almost instantly, you might think it is only normal for them to do the same. However, you need to understand people have their own lives and things to take care of apart from texting back. You should give them enough leeway and check your expectations. If you are feeling impatient when the other person doesn’t reply within a few minutes but instead takes a few hours, you know it is a good idea to put the phone down. The very fact that you are on it all the time might be giving you a wrong idea about the etiquette of texting, which you could be breaking. 

  • You don’t let conversations fade naturally
    Allowing conversations to die off naturally is a normal part of a text conversation. If, however, you give in to temptation and try to keep it going for as long as possible, you might be giving the other person a wrong impression. At some point in the conversation, it becomes clear that neither side has anything substantial to add. That is when it needs to fade away and continue another day. Don’t continue to text them when that moment comes. 

  • You don’t text to connect, but because of boredom
    Many people check their social media or watch videos on YouTube when they are bored. And others are into texting. And while it can be healthy to pursue such a desire for human connection, you best not be doing it just because you are bored and want to kill some time. A genuine text conversation is one that both sides exchange information they want to hear about, not one that they use as a form of entertainment when they are bored. Carefully assess when you are texting and don’t do it out of boredom. 

Knowing when you are texting too much can help you on the way of finding more meaningful communication. Be on the lookout for these warning signs that you are texting too much and correct your ways. 

© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach

Why are you Pushing People Away and How to Stop?

 

Have you ever experienced a situation where you think you are growing closer to your partner, before suddenly acting in what seems calculated ways to push them away? There is a greater emotional and physical distance between you, less interest in each other’s needs, tense communication and sometimes even unkind words. 

There is a lot of hurt and confusion that can come in this sort of relationship dynamic, especially when one side deems it to be progressing nicely. If you feel like you are shutting down when a relationship builds up to a more serious phase, you should know that change is possible. However, it is important to consider the reasons why it happens before anything else: 

  • Fear of intimacy – pushing people away is one of the ways of avoiding intimacy. This is a common mechanism of defence for people who have the fear of being hurt in a relationship. If you have a past relationship that hurt you, the consequences can manifest in many ways, among which worries about repeat rejection in the same manner. Your subconscious might hide such fears, even if you think you have healed. They will come over in the form of an instinct to protect yourself from rejection. And even if the actions happen on a more unconscious level, the result is the same – you drive your partner away, for the sake of self-preservation and avoiding intimacy. 

  • Attachment problems – attachment style of avoidance can also play a role in pushing people away. This theory has to do with one’s early years of life. If your primary caregiver/parent was not emotionally close during your childhood, you may acquire an avoidant attachment style. This is characterized by suppressed needs for intimacy and closeness, as you have learned to be self-sufficient from a young age. You cannot stand when a relationship gets too intense. 

  • Low self-confidence and self-esteem – people who are not confident in themselves and struggle with low self-esteem are also prone to pushing others away. Perhaps you think that you will let them down, or that they don’t like you that much, or that they will leave you for someone better later on. You think yourself not good enough for them and so you push them away instead of working on a relationship. Many people who have bigger issues with self-confidence think that they don’t even deserve a healthy relationship, even though that is never true. 

  • Trust issues – if you have been betrayed in a previous relationship, it is common that you will have trust issues. If someone cheated on you, you may have a hard time repairing your broken trust. This can cause a lot of bumps down the road of any relationship, in which partners don’t invest extra efforts to convince each other of their true feelings and intentions. 

So how do you change all that and let people in your life? 

  • Start slow – if you wish to build a close relationship, you should never rush things. Evaluate the real issues stopping you from achieving that and work on them with your partner. 

  • Talk about it all – good communication is the most important pillar of any relationship. And while it may seem scary discussing such problems with your partner, it is the only way to make progress with your relationship with them. 

  • It is a balancing act – if you are too eager to prevent the impulse of pushing others away, you could end up in the other extreme of becoming too needy and not respecting your partner’s boundaries. You have to strive for balance and interdependence – to support each other, without depending on them entirely. 

© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach

What is the Difference Between Dating and Seeing Someone?

 

 

Many people grow confused over the state of their relationships nowadays. And it is not necessarily anything to do with their partner, but rather with the relationship itself and its nature. It is important to be able to understand the level of standards that the other holds the relationship to, or else there is a lot of confusion and stress. And while someone may think that seeing someone is equal to being in a relationship with them, there are many differences between them, which determine a lot about what the two people are having together. In this guide, we will go over the major aspects of the two and see where the differences lie. 

What is dating? 

Dating is the activity that a couple undertake together, during which they discuss the future of their relationship. This is usually the case after both partners have known each other for some time and have decided to work on their relationship more. And when both partners enjoy the company of the other and feel comfortable with them, they will enter the dating stage. That is when they will invest time and effort to learn more about the other and work on moving their relationship forward to living together, potentially marriage and having children. To that end, dating can also be seen as a trial period, which has the goal of testing the relationship that two people have. If there are any issues to one or both sides, they will become evident and the relationship may be terminated. 

What is seeing someone? 

In essence, seeing someone can be defined as a very early stage of a relationship, where partners are making their first steps towards one another. The relationship is not yet defined, as both partners have met recently and they are going out on dates to learn more about each other. Sometimes, one partner may have romantic intentions, but the other one lacking such. In this case, dating is very casual, without building any serious intention. One thing that defines this stage is the lack of commitment. Both partners may wish to invest some time to see each other, but they are not yet undertaking the more serious conversation that encompasses a relationship. The meetings between both partners may be inconsistent. But if things pick up, seeing each other can quickly grow into a relationship. 

Major differences between seeing each other and being in a relationship

  • The stage of the relationship – when two people are seeing each other, they are in a very early stage of a relationship. When they are dating, it is essentially the penultimate step to something more. 

  • The intensity of the relationship – seeing each other lacks intensity, whereas dating is much more intense. 

  • Topics of discussion – seeing someone means talking about casual topics and a lot of small talks. Later on, dating grows into more serious topics and getting to know each other via communication.

  • Knowing each other – two people are considered to be dating when they have invested time in getting to know each other well. Seeing someone can happen very early after being introduced to them, without knowing much about them. 

  • The levels of intimacy – seeing someone is not characterized by extreme intimacy, whereas in dating, both partners seek and work on intimacy together. 

Knowing the difference between dating and seeing someone is important for everyone looking to invest time and effort into a partner. It means knowing which part of the relationship they are in so that they can set the right expectations. 

© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach

6 Helpful Tips for People Dating in their 50s

 

 

If you are among the people who believe that it is never too late to date another person again, then you are in luck. The reality of things is that even people in their 50s can find pleasure in seeing other people again. There is much less drama going on in their lives, and they have their priorities straight. There is no need to feel any intimidation or stress when it comes to dating at a later age because it is fully possible to do it in a way that nets you that special someone. Here are a few useful tips in that regard: 

  • Try a dating site – you may feel reluctant to give online dating a go, but it is one of the most easily accessible ways to meet new people. It is especially helpful for people in their 50s since it links mature men and women together without them investing all that much effort. You can easily get a tailored service at one of the websites that offer such. You can discreetly browse the profiles of other people looking to date in their 50s and connect to them with the click of a button. 

  • Adopt a hobby – taking up a new activity in your 50s may not be your goal, but you should do it. Not only can learning new skills boost your wellbeing, but also save you from some mental illnesses later in life. It is also great from a dating perspective because it gives you yet another chance to connect to people in a fun and relaxed environment. Some of the common hobbies that people in their 50s are particularly likely to enjoy include cooking classes, choirs, book groups or learning a new language/instrument. Picking up a new activity with a social aspect is a sure win! 

  • Open up to friends and family – people in their 50s often feel more self-conscious when it comes to dating. In that situation, it is important to have the good support of friends and family members, who can encourage the pursuit of a new romantic relationship. For people who have children, it is important, to be honest about the big things happening in one’s life. 

  • Physical exercise – one more tip for the over-50s dating is to physical exercise. There are many activities that people at that age can do, such as swimming, yoga, walking. Exercising is well-known to boost confidence, as well as energy and wellbeing. It can help with any insecurities that an individual in their 50s may have. It is also good for boosting sexual performance. Activity clubs and exercise classes are also a great way to meet new people and one more opportunity to meet a like-minded person. 

  • Going on a solo holiday – being in your 50s comes with certain benefits, such as having freedom and financial independence. You can always try having an adventure and going for a solo holiday. You can plan what you want to see, move at your own pace and make connections with people you wouldn’t otherwise when travelling with others. A lot of travel operators even offer trips for people in their 50s, which guarantee you will travel with people your age. 

  • Learn to say ‘yes’ – being more adventurous is what dating in one’s 50s is all about. Breaking out of the daily routines established by that age can be very difficult to do. However, embarking on a new relationship demands changes. Going with the flow and saying ‘yes’ ensures new opportunities that would otherwise be more difficult to achieve. 

Dating in your 50s is not all that impossible, as long as you adopt these clever tips and set your mind to it. 


© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach

Everything you Should know about a Relationship Coach

 

 

 

Relationship coaches help individuals as well as couples acquire and hone the skills for building and maintaining successful romantic relationships. The major focus is finding out current flaws within one’s character, as well as building conflict resolution skills that could lead to better intimacy and care. In the following guide, you can find out more about the work of a relationship coach, how they can help and the benefits of working with one. 

The purpose of working with a relationship coach

To many people, a good relationship is the foundation of their happiness. But it is not always to find that special someone and make a relationship work for you and them both. Building and maintaining a committed relationship is no easy thing, especially if you have had trouble in the past. You need proper relating skills, to identify what is holding you back and work on self-improvement, to have a better chance. That is what a relationship coach can help with. They can address all of these issues and help every individual have a thriving relationship in their life. 

How do they accomplish this? 

The main focus of a relationship coach is to help individuals and couples learn the tools that help a relationship thrive. A coach can help people navigate their differences and conflicts, aid their communication and conflict resolution skills, all to the goal of becoming more successful partners. Coaches can uncover what makes partners happy and unhappy and focus on how to make the positives stand out more. 

Difference between a relationship coach and a couple’s therapist 

Even though a marriage coach and a relationship coach have somewhat similar approaches, couple’s therapy is different from what you will experience with a relationship coach. During the former, you will mostly talk through issues, with little practical tools. On the other hand, relationship coaches can provide certain practices that will help a person overcome their most challenging dynamics in a relationship. 

What about the difference between a relationship coach and a dating coach? 

Work with a dating coach is more focused on honing the skills needed to successfully land a date and the early stages of meeting someone. In contrast, a relationship coach is more geared towards boosting interpersonal skills and confidence. They can help in improving communication and intimacy with an existing partner. The skills they teach, such as vulnerability, empathy and attentive listening are used to hone one’s character and become a better individual. 

How do you work with a relationship coach? 

A relationship coach will most commonly first explore your greatest challenges. That way they will determine what you should work on. When the expert knows more about you, your ways of communication and how you interact with your partner, they can then begin teaching you the skills to overcome the present issues. They will know when you are passing the blame and not taking responsibility for your own mistakes, and they will teach you how to become more kind towards your partner, to soften the existing conflicts. 

The benefits of working with a relationship coach

A relationship coach is the best source of information in the field of relationships whose knowledge and expertise you can tap into. If you have no idea what is wrong between you and your partner, but you know things aren’t as they used to be, a relationship coach can help you find out. The main benefit is that they will give you objective feedback and help you learn the skills to become a better person, not just for the sake of your relationship, but as a whole. 

© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach

 

5 Signs you are Ready to Start Dating After a Breakup

 

Breakups are never easy. If you have found yourself in this sort of situation, you know it can be tough to process and think about all of the overwhelming emotions you are experiencing. One thing that is very tough to figure out is when to start dating again. Some say you should get back to it immediately, to keep your mind off the negative emotions associated with the breakup. Others say it takes time before you are ready again. 

The truth is there is no universal answer. The most important thing is how you feel about it and how well you are taking the breakup. If it has been a long relationship, you will need more time to heal your wounds and focus more on yourself. But there are some signs to look out for, which indicate you might be ready to date again. Here are a few of them: 

  • You know you have learned a lot about yourself – there is no timeline to healing from a breakup and moving on. The most important thing is to know you have worked through the situation and have put your feelings in check. That is when you will know you have grown from this experience and learned your lessons. This is what will help you move on into a new relationship. 

  • You are ready to be a better partner – if you cannot leave the past behind, you cannot be a good partner. And that is something you just know. There are things like forgiving yourself for not choosing a good enough match and forgiving the other person for the disappointment that will make you a better partner. Letting go of all the doubts, resentment and anger is what will make you better suited for someone else. 

  • You are happy with yourself being alone – often times people spread the stereotype that being in a relationship is good, and being alone is bad. But that is false. You can be perfectly happy with yourself, and having time to breathe, which is especially good after a tough breakup. When you are fine with doing new hobbies, seeing friends, working on your career and finding fulfilment outside of being with a partner, that is when you know you are ready to have a new relationship. At this point, it should feel like a bonus, not a must. 

  • You are beyond wanting your ex back – missing your ex after the breakup is normal. There is even going to be a period during which you will happily get back together. If you think that you two doing just that is a good idea, then you are not ready to start dating. When you get to a stage where old memories aren’t leading to ideas of connecting with them again, you will know you can start dating. 

  • You are ready to start building a new future – if you are ready to start making plans about the future, then that is another sign of you being ready to date again. This is the case when you have made plans with your old partner; plans that are obviously now not going to happen. At first, it may seem like the future is not clear, but once you no longer see things that way, you will be ready to date again. Struggling to accept the way things have changed is normal, but you will get over it, eventually. 

There is no doubt that when these signs are present, you will be able to better tell it is time to start dating again. 

© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach



How to Choose the Right Relationship Coach for Yourself?

 

If you have decided that you want to work with a relationship coach, then you need to consider finding the right person for the job. This may not prove to be as straightforward as you hope, considering that it has to be someone qualified that you click with well. 

How do you go about the task of finding the right relationship coach? Well, some tips can greatly help you. Let’s find out more about them: 

  • Start by deciding whether your ideal coach is a male or female – normally, people consider a coach that they are more likely to open up to. And that is a personal choice, but one you need to make from the outset. Do you feel more comfortable talking about dating life with a female coach, or perhaps a male one? If you have a problem relating to a particular gender, then it is safe to go with a coach of that same gender. But you can also consider the valuable perspective you get from someone of the opposite gender. You decide to make it. 

  • Find a person who specialises in the area you need – relationship coaching is a very broad term that covers most of what our relationship with others is all about. But there are many aspects to it, which you may be struggling with. For example, you may be having problems expressing yourself in a relationship, or the way you show up. You may be repeating some self-defeating patterns, which crush your self-esteem. The most important thing is to identify the area that you think is lacking for you and work on that with the relationship coach. Only through targeted efforts can you hope to overcome your problems. 

  • Online vs in-person sessions – 2020 has redefined what is possible in terms of coaching. More and more coaches have turned to online work with their clients since meeting in-person has become problematic. That should not be an issue, considering the advancement of technology. But if you prefer one method of work over the other, make sure you discuss matters with the coach and figure out the best way to conduct meetings for you. 

  • The person needs to have proper experience and training – the coach needs to have the tools and full understanding of them, to help you with your issue. They need to be able to properly teach them to you so that you don’t feel stuck and confused. Some coaches have the testimonials to show that they have the experience, others have a degree in psychology and/or sociology and know the science of human behaviour. 

  • The coach must be sensitive to your values – your views on relationships intersect with your core beliefs and values. If you have a healthy value system, which serves as a compass in your life, you want to work with a coach who is sensitive to those values. They need to integrate with them if they are to truly help you find your way to a happier relationship. 

  • Consider an approximate budget – think about your work with a relationship coach as an investment. Once you know how much you can afford, you will be more willing to view it this way, rather than just an expense. It is hard to put the right price tag on finding joy with someone you love. That is why it is important to work with a coach, who doesn’t cause you to stress over money. 

These are all important tips that you should consider when searching for a relationship coach. 


© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach

5 Unhealthy Patterns in Relationships to Avoid

 

 

Sometimes you may feel like the person you are with is the love of your life and that the relationship you are in with them is perfect. However, taking that for granted is one of the best ways to ruin it all. 

And, for that connection to last, you have to learn what relationship styles can potentially ruin your relationship and work to avoid them. Here is a guide on a few of the most common patterns that fall in this category: 

  • Being overly dependent – a relationship that is left on its own cannot flourish. You need to put the other person as a priority in your life. And yet, the relationship should not be the only thing in your life or your whole life. For example, if you are only willing to make plans that involve your partner or guarantee that your partner is happy with them, you are giving away too much weight to the relationship. And that is just dependent behaviour. One more such example is not being able to let the other person do things on their own, and having no respect for their alone-time. 

  • Being overly independent – the other extreme in relationships is equally bad. Not being able to make any compromise for your relationship means you are restricting the freedom of your partner and generally causing the relationship to go bad. Remember that compromise is key for a happy relationship. And yes, there are certain things that you may not be able to compromise on, but for the most part, you can agree to not have it your way. The difference in food tastes means you should claim defeat now and then, making a decision that suits your partner more than yourself. And while you can still have a say on many decisions, you need to be ready to compromise. 
  • Inability to communicate the problems – people are different and there are things about the other person you will find bothersome. This becomes especially clear after the honeymoon phase of your relationship is over. Being able to communicate the things you find problematic is an essential skill. It means you won’t just let the small annoyances build up until they explode. Conveying the negatives you find in your relationship takes time to build, but you cannot go without it. Without communication, you will not be able to work on fixing the problems, allowing you to build a stronger relationship. 

  • Making no sacrifices – being in a long-term relationship will inevitably lead to a moment where you need to make a sacrifice. There is just no way to live a single life and be part of a committed relationship at the same time. By making reasonable agreements with each other, you can establish a good middle ground, which keeps both of you happy. There is no way for a relationship to thrive if you are unable to sacrifice some of your comforts for the sake of the other person. 

  • Encouraging (implicitly or explicitly) inequality – if you carry on with some of the old-fashioned inequality patterns in your relationship, you are setting yourself for failure. If both partners of a relationship have full-time jobs, they should be contributing equally to the household. Besides, they should be equal in various household tasks, like cleaning, cooking and looking after children. Only then can the foundations of the relationship remain strong and healthy. 

There is little doubt that all of these relationship patterns are bad and that you should do everything in your power to change them. Identifying them is always the first step to better change. 

 

© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach

Is Attachment Insecurity Ruining your Relationships and Love Life?

 

 

You may not realise it yet, but your love life and relationships could use some knowledge from attachment theory. According to it, our feelings of security and stable attachment are largely affected by our early years of childhood. Namely, a child’s sense of security and intimacy with their primary caregiver shapes to no small extent how they behave in relationships as adults. 

 

Nowadays, attachment theory finds it great to use with many relationship coaches, who use it to pinpoint certain problems that people are experiencing in their love life. Since psychologists have refined the idea that childhood attachments are important in adult attachment styles in later life, it is only logical to utilise the concepts and empower people to have better romantic relationships. 

 

It all starts with understanding the basic terminology of what attachment styles there are: 

  • Secure – people with secure attachment don’t have a problem being close to someone and maintaining an intimate relationship 

 

  • Anxious-preoccupied – people with this style believe that other people do not want to be with them and are constantly afraid of losing their partner 

 

  • Dismissive-avoidant – people with this style do not like to depend on others for establishing an intimate relationship 

 

  • Fearful-avoidant – people with this style really want to be close to others, but they fear rejection and being hurt 

 

It is clear that all of these, save for the secure type, are characteristics of attachment insecurity. It is important to note that these are not extremes, but rather spectrums, and every single person rates on all of them. It is when these characteristics are strong enough to define their behaviour and belief about relationships that they become a problem. 

 

Is it possible to get over the attachment style you have?

According to experts, it is not only possible but preferable to work on establishing your attachment style and doing what it takes to switch it to the secure type. It is also important to understand the core of the problem and where it stems from. It could be depression or early childhood trauma. It is the job of a therapist and a coach to help a person through it. The good thing about attachment is that even though a person could have a style, it is completely possible to revisit it and change it to secure. Some ways to do just that include: 

 

  • Learning your attachment style – knowing your attachment style can give you so much insight as to why your relationships keep failing, despite your best effort, or why you end up attracting the wrong people. That is the first step to overcoming your attachment problems. 

 

  • Find a therapist/coach with expertise on attachment styles – change can be difficult for anyone, especially when they are only now learning about the real problem. That is why if you find yourself in this situation, you should look for an expert to help you through. 
  • Seek partners with similar attachment styles – getting undermined by a person who is not supportive is the last thing you want to do. It is a good idea to look for those secure individuals, who can, in time, help you overcome your own insecurities. 

 

  • Talk about it – hiding the issue is not going to help you in the long run, especially now that you can give it a name and a face. It is important to discuss such matters with your therapist and your partner as well. Getting the support you need can make a world of difference. 

 

Overall, changing your attachment style is a great way to improve the quality of your relationships and love life. You should not hesitate to invest in research and working with the right dating coach. 

 

© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach  

 

The Importance of Self-Love and How to Achieve It

 

Confidence often comes from self-love. Unfortunately, that is one major problem many people experience – they don’t love themselves. They don’t feel happy about themselves and focus too much on their flaws. Dislike follows and if that is not bad enough, it soon enough translates to dislike from other people as well. 

 

Loving yourself is very important, especially if you are aiming at establishing a relationship with someone else. It will pave the way to self-confidence and change your outlook on the world to a more positive one. To love yourself more, you need to apply a few tips: 

 

  • Learn to have fun by yourself – it is a good idea to set aside a few days just for yourself to do something fun. This is so that you can enjoy your own company more. Find new things to try, engage in hobbies that don’t require a lot of other people around and generally, do what makes you happy and smile. 

 

  • Forgive yourself for any mistakes you made – we all make mistakes, but it is important to remember that you have to forgive yourself about them. Otherwise, you will not be able to move on. Look back in reflection and acknowledge the error. Try to think of the mistakes as a way to grow and improve your self-love, not something that bashes yourself over.

 

  • Travel at least once a year – if you can travel on your own, do so at least once a year. Travelling to beautiful new places can be an exciting new experience, which puts you on the path of self-love. Other than discovering new things, you will also discover yourself and your self-love. 

 

  • Make yourself a surprise – every once in a while, you should do things that you would not normally attempt. In doing so, you will better learn yourself. You may even discover that you like something even though you were previously afraid of it. Getting out of your comfort zone in such a way will make you feel ready for new challenges and give your self-esteem a huge boost. 

 

  • Take a break – you are your own worst judge, jury and executioner. Sometimes being hard on yourself is nice, to push to new boundaries, but sometimes it works to decrease your self-love. However, it is important to remember that nobody out there is perfect and you should not expect yourself to be so. When something happens, accept and don’t be too harsh on yourself. 

 

  • List your accomplishments – one good way to give yourself a little lift is to list some of the good things that you have achieved in life. It will make you feel happy about what you have achieved and draw some confidence from that. Focusing on these positive things can remind you that there are better things in life. 

 

 

  • Begin a journal – to develop better coping mechanisms, you can start a journal. Writing down your feelings and thoughts that you address later will show you exactly how you have reacted and what you can do better. In addition, that is a nice way to vent about the negative things that have happened to you. 

 

  • Say yes to new interests – trying out something new that you have had in mind for a while is a great thing. You will never know just how much you will enjoy something until you try it. Always look for a new hobby or visit somewhere you have never gone before. 

 

All of these tips aim to make yourself more. Each is an effective way that will boost self-confidence and make you a better person. 

 

© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach

 

5 Common Mistakes Women Make in Dating

 

Dating is not an exact science, and everyone can fall victim to confusion, miscommunication and disappointment. The everyday mistakes we all experience don’t affect us much, but some crucial side steps can really hurt our love life. 

A lot of couches agree that there are a few mistakes that women make in dating, which seem to stand out and lead to trouble: 

 

Mistake #1 - Thinking that love comes easy - when you are on the lookout for a new job, you will probably spend a lot of time browsing through various job offers and companies that are looking to hire. So why is it then that many believe they can find love without really doing much? Thinking that you can have great success in love without really putting in the effort is just not true. Perhaps you have a friend who met their perfect match when they were not even trying. But that is an exception and not the rule. Stumbling into ‘The One’ is likely not going to happen, if you don’t put the effort in dating and meeting men. 

Mistake #2 - Assuming a man’s exclusive without them hinting at it - this kind of mistake is one that can hurt you a lot. Assuming the man you have just met is exclusive usually happens because things are going great. However, most men will usually require some time to sell themselves on the idea of a relationship. They merge into exclusivity and don’t just swerve at it. You don’t need to think of this as a negative thing, but rather an opportunity. You can take your time to figure out if he’s the boyfriend material you initially thought. 

Mistake #3 - Knowing he is the ' one’ in the first month of dating - while it is true a lot of people believe in love at first sight, the fact of the matter is that it takes some time to know someone and to know if they are right for you. Don’t trust ‘that feeling’ - it is nothing but a mix of hormones telling you that you feel good with him by your side. But all of that is craving without any guarantee for compatibility. Remember, before you trust the advice that ‘you will just know it is him’, there are 10 stories of women who didn’t test their compatibility and got burned. Allow the feeling of attraction to lead you to someone, but exercise caution in finding out if he is the right person for you. 

Mistake #4 - Expecting only men to initiate interactions - a lot of women fall for the mistake of doing nothing to approach men and only expecting men to take the first step. But all this mindset leads to is essentially taking away the control all women have. It’s not only men who need to initiate interactions. They too fear rejection and have their demons to fight. Instead of waiting on them alone, you can give men green lights, i.e. make them feel like their chances with you are good so that they can overcome the fear of rejection. 

Mistake #5- Blaming ‘modern dating’ for still being single - blaming your current situation on the circumstances is a quick way to disempower yourself, especially when it comes to dating. If anything, dating is much more accessible than ever before. Yes, there are more ways to cheat, more ways to fall into a miscommunication trap and more ways to jump ship, than invest in solving the issues. But you have the power to adapt and use the modern dating set to your advantage.

Identifying all of these mistakes is essential for ensuring that you make the most of dating and end up with a person you love. 

 

© Kate Mansfield Dating Coach